Ever feel a bit...blah?

It’s official. Exam season has begun. My first exam is tomorrow; if I had done better in my exams last year I wouldn’t be taking this one. You see, this is a re-take of my AS maths exam. I’ve tried reasonably hard to prepare for this, but, as usual, my efforts have gone unrewarded. Every practise paper I have taken thus far has given me a grade C or lower. It’s not that I expect to get an A in maths, but I just hope to get at least a B on the paper I’ve spent two years preparing for. My sister insists that my grades last year were good and that I have really high expectations of myself. She compares me to others that I have not done as well as myself. At these such times, a quote from William Faulkner springs to mind, “Don't bother just to be better than your contemporaries or predecessors. Try to be better than yourself.” It is these words that I try to live by, at least academically.

Today, I revised for around 7 hours (taking food and YouTube breaks) and during this time I tried not to be distracted by checking my e-mail. To avoid this, I didn’t open iGoogle…until 20 minutes ago. I don’t really care about horoscopes, I find it highly unlikely that 1/12 of the worlds population will have the same experiences on any day. Despite this, I have my horoscope on my iGoogle page, partially because the picture matches my iGoogle design. My horoscope caught my attention today, possibly because of the word, disillusionment. It said:

Your career goals may not be as in touch with reality as you think and you could face disillusionment if you try to hold on to them. Unfortunately, working harder won't turn a fantasy into something that's real. Take an objective look at what you are doing and consider whether or not it fits with a sensible plan.

I’m not sure the way these words should be taken. Does this mean, screw A levels, you’re not going to pass so stop trying OR do your frickin’ A-Levels, you’ll never be a film director OR, could it possibly mean, do SOMETHING with your life, this waiting for your calling just isn’t working. Oh the triple entendre.

As I mentioned previously, I have an exam tomorrow (technically two). At this point I should be nervous or scared in some way. Strange thing, I’m not. I’m beginning to think that I don’t care. It’s not that I’m prepared (which I’m not), I simply don’t care. (I smell a rant coming on). This is all rubbish, education should be one small aspect of ones life, at 18, it should not be the only thing I worry about. Every once and awhile I think about forgetting about all of this, pursuing something I enjoy. Right now, I think the most important thing about any occupation I take on in the future should be that I enjoy it. I don’t want to be a psychologist. I can’t help people with their problems, I stand by my belief that someone as messed up as myself does not have the right to tell other people that they need to be helped. I’ve been watching a lot of Ally McBeal recently, it’s a show that always leaves me feeling a bit saner. Right now, I feel better because I know that despite all the things that make my sanity somewhat questionable, at least I’m not hallucinating. Dear God I’m using a fictional character to determine my sanity.

I don’t think I’m any better that Rae Charles. Help.